This is the never ending miscarriage. I bled and spotted for a total of 5 weeks, with a few days here and there of no bleeding to get my hopes up. Finally, it stopped, though I continued to feel dizzy, short of breath, and weak, which I’d felt throughout my recent pregnancy.
I’ve been going through some other health troubles that have seen me tested for rheumatic disease and now lupus, so my mind wasn’t on my miscarriage at all in the past month or so. When my doctor said, “your beta hcg was down to 8, but I’d like to make sure it is zero now,” I figured, “why not? I’m being jabbed every week or two anyway, so what’s another test?”
Well, the number came back at 1800 this past Monday. I was tested again at 2600 on Thursday. I got the call Friday morning. Doc figured I was either A) pregnant again (very unlikely, but not impossible), B) had a new, ectopic pregnancy (again, unlikely), or C) Gestational Trophoblastic Disease, aka a molar pregnancy. Even though we’d been trying to prevent another pregnancy, I hoped immediately that I was pregnant, especially since it was the best of the options I was presented with. I convinced myself for a full day that this was the case, and was feeling excited. This baby would have the same due date as Nahum! Now that I thought of it, I’d been feeling tons of pregnancy symptoms like exhaustion, sore nipples, and insomnia in addition to the symptoms that I mentioned before.
Through the twisting of arms, my doctor was able to get me in through the ER on Friday to have an ultrasound and see an obstetrician. The ultrasound tech didn’t say much, but she kept saying things like, “so you don’t think you’re pregnant?” and “what kind of birth control were you using?” Danny and I looked at each other, thinking, “holy crap, we must be pregnant again!” So after many hours of waiting, we were surprised when the doctor told us that our recent pregnancy was likely an undiagnosed partial molar pregnancy and there was not a new pregnancy in my uterus. A partial molar pregnancy is usually (not always) caused by two sperm fertilizing a single egg. There is nothing you can do to prevent one from happening and it is unlikely to happen again. It is relatively rare, and almost never results in the formation of a viable fetus. Usually, there is tumorous growth and a resulting miscarriage, or a fetus grows that is incompatible with life. If left unchecked, it can become invasive and/or cancerous. In my case, the hormone levels seemed to be increasing even after a miscarriage due to retained placental tissue, so it was imperative that I undergo a D&C to clear everything out and to have the contents of my uterus tested.
Yesterday, after many more hours of waiting and about 18 hours of fasting, I was wheeled into the OR and prepped for surgery. I woke up feeling like I was floating on a cloud (thanks, Fentanyl) and no pain. This is a relief, as I remember having a lot of cramping following my first miscarriage in 2014. I will need to be followed closely over the next few weeks and months to ensure the numbers continue to go down and, even once they hit zero, I’ll be monitored for a few more months before I will be cleared to try to get pregnant again. If cancer decides to grow, the good news is that it is very treatable with an almost 100% cure rate.
I feel a mix of things: on the one hand, I almost feel like I have gone through another miscarriage, because of that day of hope and subsequent “loss” of that imagined pregnancy, and on the other, I feel a profound relief that this is likely FINALLY over. What started as a happy surprise of a pregnancy turned into the miscarriage that wouldn’t end. I am still hurting from the loss, but more and more ready to move forward and to heal.